Playoffs: Bombin’ the Church

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A post-bout analysis for the Cherry Bombs vs. the Holy Rollers 2016 playoff bout.

Did you ever see that scene from Big Trouble in Little China where they’re in the alley and the Chang Sing are facing off against the Wing Kong, and they’re all staring at each other, all serious and shit, and then they’re all like, “YAAARG!”, and then it’s just like a flurry of angry fists as bodies go flying all over the place? That’s pretty much what it was like as the Cherry Bombs took on the Holy Rollers in the 2016 TXRD playoffs. Plus it’s extra fun because I get to be Jack Burton in this scenario because I’m just sitting back, watching it all unfold before me until people start showing up with light coming out of their mouths. (Wait, did that actually happen or was that just the movie. Damnit, that’s the last time I accept a drink from Rasta Fury before a bout.) The stakes couldn’t be any higher as the winner gets their shot at the championship and the losers go home for the season. Well, did Lo Pan become flesh again, or did Egg Shen banish him with his Six Demon Bag? Read on for the Lo-down. (Did you see what I did there?)

Prissy Galore would kick things off for the Holy Rollers as she grabbed three points in the first jam against Bendy Davis. The Cherry Bombs would be quick to answer as Rocky Casbah ripped through the pack like someone at the Bob Marley Fest rips through a bag of Cheetos for two points. Prissy would be busy early as she squared off against Rolla Parks for the Bombs, taking the jam to the full minute allotted and eventually getting four points out of it. Dyers Eve would shred  her way through a well executed Cherry Bomb blocking scheme to get five points, but Train Wreck Trina would get flagged for a major penalty on the jam and wind up in the penalty box. On the re-skate, Dyers would grab the opportunity like James Hetfield grabs a tuned-down guitar and rode the lightning like a master of puppets when nothing else matters to get justice for all and eight more points for the Holy Rollers. The Cherry Bombs would start to mount a comeback with Bully Jean punishing people in the pack to help Joliet Jane get four points and Bendy Davis zipped through the pack like my uncle Cooter at a Golden Corral on coupon day for four points of her own. But the Rollers weren’t done yet and Prissy would close out the first quarter with five points to put her team up 26-14.

Scrappy would start the second quarter with two hard-earned points, followed by Rocky making it look easy as she flew through the pack for five more points for the Bombs. Penalties would send Ghettostar Balactica and Prissy Galore to the penalty box for the Rollers, which would give Rocky the chance to add eight more points for the Bombs on the re-skate. Bible ThumpHer would jump out in front for four points in her first jam of the night after missing the first quarter. (I assume she got tied up with some snake handling or laying on of hands. It’s okay, ThumpHer. We’ve all been there.) Not long after, ThumpHer would go head to head with Joliet Jane and the two would trade spots at lead jammer in an intense exchange that would ultimately have Jane pulling out in front and calling off the jam defensively. Train Wreck would fight hard in a jam against Hermione Danger for three points that would come with help in the form of Ghettostar Balactica losing a skate halfway through the jam and being forced to the center of the ring to get things sorted. The Cherry Bombs would consistently dominate the pack with Jolet, Rocky and Bully all blocking well. This blocking would help Scrappy to close out the half by adding five points to a growing Cherry Bombs lead. The half would end with a scuffle between Ghettostar Balactica and Rolla Parks, and a score in the Bombs favor of 33-43.

Rocky Casbah would keep the points a comin’ with a run for six to start the second half. Ninja Please for the Bombs and Boi Division for the Rollers would end up in the penalty box on that jam, and on the re-skate Rocky would add four more points, along with a shot to the face from Dyers Eve that would leave her shaking the cobwebs out. On the next jam, Hermione Danger would jump the apex and get out in front, only to call the jam off defensively, even though Bendy Davis was held up in the pack like her namesake got held up in the Texas Senate. (Sorry Bendy…and Wendy…and Texas as a whole.) Soon after, Scrappy would go up against Prissy, and while Scrappy was well in the lead, the refs failed to see her calling off the jam in time to stop Prissy from making off with two points for the Rollers. (A travesty of officiating? Only history will tell.) Late in the third, Joliet Jane would get four points for the Bombs and run the clock down on opposing jammer ThumpHer, but Prissy Galore would answer with five points on a subsequent jam. Rocky would finish the third quarter strong with a three point jam, and the Bombs would sit on a comfortable lead going into the final quarter at 43-62.

ThumpHer would start the fourth quarter with a quick two points and Prissy would follow it up with a slick inside pass to add five more points for the Rollers. The Bombs would earn back two of those points on the next jam which would feature Elle B. Bach of the Rollers dusting it up with opponents Lois Slayin and Ninja Please, earning her an unsportswoman like conduct call. (Let’s be real, though. Can we truly expect a robot from the future to understand all the subtle nuances of human interactions? Her programing can’t handle all that computing while still maintaining a detailed file on human anatomy in order to be a more efficient killer. Everybody knows that.) With the Rollers on their heels, Danger would call off another jam defensively against Scrappy. ThumpHer and Prissy would once again fight back with scoring runs of their own, but Ghettostar would end up in the penalty box again, allowing a spent-looking Joliet to earn two points for the Bombs. (To be fair to Jane, four fried chickens and a Coke will weigh you down a little at the end of the day.) The Bombs would have their turn with Rolla Parks in the penalty box, but they made lemonade out of lemons and Bendy turned the jam into four points. Late in the bout, Dyers would get four points and Prissy would close out by adding one more point to the Rollers total, but the Bombs would not be denied, and they took the victory home with a score of 62 for the Holy Rollers, 70 for the Cherry Bombs.

The bout started well for the Holy Rollers. Prissy Galore and Dyers Eve would put up points often and early and it looked as though they had caught the Cherry Bombs flat footed as they ended the first quarter with a decent lead. But the breaks would start to go against them for the rest of the bout as the Bombs found their footing and hit their stride with a deep roster of jammers and well executed pack work. The Rollers have definite threats at the jammer position, and Prissy and ThumpHer are guaranteed to put up double digit points any time they take to the track. But you can’t make cookies just with chocolate chips, and even though they mounted a valiant comeback late in the bout, it ultimately did the Rollers in. The Cherry Bombs look like a well oiled machine at this point, and you would expect nothing less from the team that is now headed to the championship. The strong leadership of Train Wreck and Milla Juke-a-bitch have steered them towards victory so far, and you can bet they’ll keep it coming for the finale.

Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think in the comments. Special thanks to Jeffrey McMillan for the use of his photos.

Come back next time for more derby from the W.C.!

Knock, Knock. Who’s there? PLAYOFFS B*tches!

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A pre-bout analysis for the Holy Rollers vs. the Cherry Bombs

The playoffs are upon us! Two teams enter the stage, having left a legacy of vanquished foes in their wake, they square off against each other for the decisive battle to determine who gets the chance to fight for that most coveted of sports awards: the Calvello Cup. On one side we have those princesses of punk-rock, those marauders in maroon shorts: the Cherry Bombs. And facing off against them are the bad girls from Sacred Heart, the belles in blue plaid: the Holy Rollers. They’ll face each other this Saturday to find out which one has the eye-of-the-tiger and which one just has tired-eyes. Which one has the best shot? Well, lets examine that quandary for a moment.

First up we have the Holy Rollers. It’s been a bumpy ride in the church-mobile, but they have climbed the mountain and now can see the promised land. (I assume their promised land is full of booze and black jack and those ball pits they have at Chuck E. Cheese’s that they don’t let adults get into.(Come on, Chuck E. These kids can’t even appreciate the unfettered joy of a ball pit after three tequila slammers, and I’m pretty sure that kid in the corner is just peeing in the ball pit!)) (On a side note, does anybody else think I overuse parentheses? I feel like I may have gone one parentheses too far.)…(). “And lo, the seal was broken. And there was a great noise. And from this emerged the four bringers of doom. And they were so called Danger, Prissy, ThumpHer and Boi.” These four harbingers of destruction are the Rollers biggest strength at the moment. They are a points producing factory and they’re about to put in some overtime. Any strategy the Cherry Bombs might have should definitely put those four as the priority. And with the likes of Elle B Bach and Vanna Fook clogging things up in the pack, they’ll have things covered.

And then there are the Cherry Bombs. Sitting pretty at the number two spot, the Bombs have got a definite swagger coming into this bout, and that swagger is well deserved. Their roster is chock full of veteran threats like Train Wreck Trina and Ninja Please, as well as dangerous newcomers like Joleit Jane who’s been getting better with each bout (And, ironically since they’re facing the Holy Rollers, I hear she’s on a mission from god). Their players aren’t one dimensional, either. More than once I’ve watched Ninja jam her guts out only to follow it up with impressive pack work, solid blocking, and a touch of style to boot. If they bring half the gusto that they usually bring, the Rollers will have their work cut out for them.

So which one of these pain-machines-on-wheels will be the better team? It’s a pretty even split from where the W.C. sits. The Rollers have targeted threats with their jammers, but the Bombs have a diverse skill set. You’ll just have to grab a seat at the Thunderdome and see how this one plays out. One thing’s for sure, it’ll be a sphincter clincher (Oh, “Sphincterella” new derby name! Dibs!).

Thanks for reading another one of my senseless ramblings. Leave me a comment if you disagree with me, I dare you.

Or do it if you agree with me, that’s cool too.

Or not. I’m not the boss of you.

Special thanks to Jeffrey McMillan for the misuse of his photos.

Hellfire!

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A post-bout analasis of the Hellcats vs. las Putas del Fuego

Jimeny Christmas, is the roller derby regular season already over? You bet your sweet bippy it is! And what were you doing while these belles of the banked track were skating their guts out, bleeding and breaking their bodies to try to achieve that most coveted of sports accolades: the Calvello Cup? Oh, you were sitting at home watching reruns of the Real Housewives of Orange County while simultaneously Facebook stalking your husbands high school girlfriend. (It’s okay, she ended up in rehab. Your husband definitely traded up when he eventually married you after you “accidentally” forgot your birth control that one time. You’re the real hero.) Well, guess what, Missy, you haven’t lived until you’ve cheered on another woman while she rails a girl and then beats her senseless while giving the crowd the finger in fishnets and face paint. Hmm, that sounds intriguing, you say? Well let the W.C. fill you in on what you missed last Saturday when the Hellcats took on las Putas del Fuego.

The bout started off (to the surprise of no one) with Lyka Boss of las Putas getting four points of the first jam of the evening. The Hellcats would have a rough start to the evening with early penalties sending their new jammer-de-supériorité, Break n Bake, to the penalty box, but this wouldn’t stop veteran Glitterotica from jumping the apex at turn one and bringing in one point in a jam against Puta Knockout. The Putas would continue to score easily in the first, but the Hellcats would keep the pressure as the Kitties Jammit Janet ran down Smitey Mouse to steal the jam from her and scored two points to Mouses’ one. (Cat and Mouse! Get it? Just like when my cat runs down a mouse, except this time I didn’t end up with the decapitated corpse of Mouse at the foot of my bed. That’s not how roller derby is played. Not even in Texas. Your thinking of Death Race. Which is not a real thing. You know what, just go back to your Housewives show, you can’t handle sophisticated entertainment.) Late in the first, Bake n Break would make amends for her earlier transgressions when she scored a tidy five points in one jam. The first quarter would come to a close with las Putas in the lead 21 – 11.

Lyka Boss would continue her dominance in the second quarter as she fought her way around the track for 3 points in a jam against Hannthrax. Puta Rasta Fury would jump the apex, but loses her footing and fell backward. All would not be lost, though, as she quickly got to her feet again, only to be met by the sparkling elbow-of-fury from Gitterotica that would put her back down again, allowing Break n Bake to pull out in front and take home two points. (On a side note: “Sparkling Elbow of Fury” is the name of my funk band.) Glitters overly aggressive defense would earn her a trip to the penalty box, and while she was forcibly cooling her heels, Rasta would press her advantage to the tune of five more points for las Putas. Not long after, Jammit Janet would take a hard hit into the rails that would leave her shaking the cobwebs out and looking a little sluggish as she went point-for-point with Knockout for three each. (I’m fairly certain I saw actual stars swirling around her helmet.) Boss would continue to churn out the points, but the Hellcats would make her earn it on a long jam against Hannthrax who would score three points against a las Putas runaway defense to Boss’s one. The Hellcats would continue to inch their way back as Hannthrax earned another two points to Knockouts one, and Janet would steal another jam from Mouse who could only politely voice her objection to Janet’s receding posterior. (For those of you who don’t know her, Mouse is a paradigm of sophistication.) But when the chips are down, las Putas know who to call, and sent Boss back in to get six more points against Hellcat Hired Gun Whiskey Smash. At the end of the half las Putas would still be in the lead at 32 – 22.

To kick off the second half, las Putas would field Lyka Boss again, but Jammit Janet decided to take a hug break, got her hands around Boss and took her to the ground to stop another scoring run. The shenanigans would land both jammers in the penalty box and put Glitterotica and Mouse at the jammer spots as replacements. Mouse would capitalize on the opportunity and earn four points for las Putas. Hannthrax would, once again go up against Knockout and outscored her with five points to her two. The pressure would continue to come from the Hellcats as Boss is forced to call of a jam with Jammit Janet nipping at her heels. But Knockout would bounce back for las Putas with six points on a jam against Baker, who was never able to reset in the pack. Boss would continue to tear things up with another two points against Baker (and by “tear things up” I mean she was pooping points all over the track. Strangely enough, not something you get a penalty for, (also just like my cat except there’s no risk of me stepping in a pile of points in the middle of the night and getting them all squashed between my toes)). The third quarter would end with Knockout and Hannthrax going neck and neck with four points each on a jam. The Putas would have a comfortable lead going into the final quarter at 65 – 33.

The Hellcats would get backed into a corner at the start of the fourth with Glitterotica and Knottie Knoxville in the penalty box, but Baker would show off why she’s the hottest draft pick since Rocky Casbah and get out in front and earn two points on the jam. Janet would continue to keep pressure on las Putas, staying on Eduskater’s tail and earning two points to her one. Boss would once again beat Hannthrax out of the pack and get five points, but Glitterotica would take exception to this and let Boss know with the subtle language, (nay, art) of fisticuffs. Knockout and Whiskey would stay neck-and-neck for three points each, but Glitterotica would have one final argument to elucidate to Boss and tackled her again. At this point, tackling fever would grip the Hellcats as Heathen took down Knockout after she stole the jam and called it off defensively. Whiskey would go up against Eduskater, with Eduskater earning three points and Whiskey one, but while the jammers battle unfolds, Glitterotica managed to earn her third major penalty of the bout and took the walk-of-shame into ejection land for the remainder of the evening. Eduskater and Whiskey would go at it again, this time with Eduskater getting a whopping seven points to Whiskeys two. And the bout would close with Heathen earning back those seven points for the Hellcats against Ramona deFlowers. But all of the Hellcats efforts would not be enough to close the gap and las Putas would take the evening with a score of 87 – 56.

In the end this bout was academic for both teams: the Hellcats have already secured their place in the championship this season, and las Putas are already out of the playoffs. The Hellcats played with their usual precision, but were clearly playing it safe, avoiding injury and trying to save their energy for that big banked blowout next month, which is probably the smartest play they could have made. Las Putas definitely wanted to go out on a high note, and that’s exactly what they went for, playing Lyka Boss (easily their best player, and maybe even best in the league at this juncture (spoiler alert: that’s why she’s the boss)) literally every other jam, and flying into the fray like a hungry redneck with a Golden Corral coupon book. The tension is mounting as the championship draws closer. The next bout will put the final piece into place as far as which team gets their shot at glory this season. You can bet your sweet bippy that the W.C. will be there to watch it all unfold.

Thanks for reading even though this post was later than usual. Hey sometimes life has to be dealt with first, it’s not like I’m making any money in this. The W.C. is all noble and shit. He does it for the love of the game. And cookies. Actually there’s not much I wouldn’t do for the offer of cookies. My friendship can be bought with cookies.

Special thanks to Jeffrey McMillan for permitting the use of his photos.

Drop me a line sometime. I made puddin.

…Wait, what?

…Guh…What day…What do you mean “after labor day”?

Why does my mouth taste like Red Hots and asphalt?

Why are you yelling at me in Spanish?

Oh man…somebody just tell me where I am. Also where are my pants?

What do you mean “Chihuahua?”

What do you mean “pants-hat”?

Uh…that’s the last time I go shot-for-shot with las Putas.

I have to get back to Texas, I have a bout to write-up. I also have to find out what “El Guapo” means and how it got tattooed across the small of my back…

Things are going to be a little late this week.

Rollers and Rhinestones

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A post-bout analysis of the Rhinestone Cowgirls vs. the Holy Rollers.

A cowgirl and a nun walk into a bar…What’s a nun doing in a bar, you ask? Well, when it’s  the Sisters from the Sacred Heart School for Girls, you can bet it’s gonna be putting the bruise onto some filthy heathens. And who might those heathens be? Well, saddled up to the bar sit the Rhinestone Cowgirls, TXRD’s resident ropers-in-wranglers. They’ve had a tough season on the range and they’re in no mood for a sermon. The piano goes silent and the room clears out as the Rhinestone Cowgirls face off against the Holy Rollers. The Rollers fight to keep their playoff hopes alive and the Cowgirls want to finish the season on a high note and a win under their belt. This barroom brawl is about to spill out onto the streets and one thing’s for certain: the next 32 minutes are going to be messy.

The bout would kick off well for the Rhinestone Cowgirls with Sassy Squasher and Bad Apple putting up the first five points of the bout between the two of them. But the Holy Rollers didn’t come to spectate and Bible ThumpHer  answered with four points of her own on a jam against Mad Maxican. Soon after, Prissy Galore would square off against Sassy and stack on another seven points for the Rollers, and ThumpHer would steal a jam from Apple and take another two points back to the Rollers tithing plate. (And by tithing I mean the money they extort from the neighborhood kids to buy brass knuckles and blackjacks.) What do you do when your teammates hog all the glory? If you’re Hermione Danger you tip-toe like a ballerina around a wall of Cowgirl blockers, just staying in-bounds. But Cowgirl Catty Whompass was not content to watch Danger run away with the jam and tackled her as she emerged on the straight away. Danger shook off her assailant and was still able to earn an impressive six points on her jam. Gnarly Carly would set out to try and make up the difference for the Cowgirls, but Prissy Galore would steal the jam from her along with two points for the Rollers. Despite loosing lead status, however, Carly would outscore Prissy on that same jam with three points. The finish of the first quarter would have the Rollers up 27-11.

To start the second quarter, the Cowgirls would keep ThumpHer in check with the effective blocking trio of Bikini Killer, Cold Warr and Ablazin Grace. But even though she was bottled up, ThumpHer still managed to get one point. Danger would would take to the track again with her usual gusto, but with Mad Maxican hot on her heels, she would call of a jam after squeezing out just one point. Prissy Galore would continue her impressive scoring runs, but Catty Whompass (still sore, no doubt, about her dust-up with Danger)would soon tire of this and put a hard lick on Prissy to stop another of her scoring runs. Danger would once again call off a promising jam as Gnarly Carly kept the pressure on for the Cowgirls. But soon it would be the Cowgirls turn to be on the receiving end Sassy Squasher raced neck-and-neck with ThumpHer, pressing her advantage and only barely calling the jam off in time to thwart the Rollers. The Cowgirls would finish the second quarter strong with Mad grabbing six points, Carly sneaking through the pack like a cat burglar for four, and Sassy Squasher nabbing five to close out the half. But the Rollers still held tightly to the lead with 44 to the Cowgirls 25.

The defenses would give a strong showing at the start of the second half with Nicola Virus keeping Mad Maxican in check for the Rollers, and Ablazin Grace and Domme Draper shutting down ThumpHer for the Cowgirls. But what do you do when there’s a big wall of defense smashed up in front of you? If you’re Hermione Danger, you jump the apex of turn one to earn the Rollers three more points. But Bad Apple showed her that Cowgirls never say “die” (Or is that Goonies? Or was Goonies Pirates? *gasp* Or Pirate Cowboys!…I think I have the name of my new derby team.) and one-uped her to bring in four for the Cowgirls. This would start a trend for the Cowgirls and soon Rollers would start flying around like chihuahuas at a punting contest as Gnarly Carly smashed past the defense of Roller Ghettostar Balactica for two points. Dyers Eve would be sent to the penalty box to do a few hail maries, allowing Sassy Squasher to rack up an impressive eight points for the Cowgirls, and Apple would maintain a wide lead on Danger to earn four points. The third quarter would end with the Cowgirls getting a rope around that bull and digging their heels in to close the gap on the Rollers lead of 52-45.

Nicola Virus and Boi Division would start the fourth quarter for the Rollers in the penalty box. What do you do when two of your teammates are out for a jam? If you’re Hermione Danger, you fly through the pack like that bad Thai food through my guts last week, get lead jammer, call off the jam and save the penalty. The Rollers would start to re-assert themselves with Atilla the Nun slowing the Cowgirls momentum with aggresive blocking and ThumpHer capitalizing on Gnarly Carly being in the penalty box to the tune of eight points. Prissy would join in on the fun with seven points of her own, but would soon find herself in the penalty box with Danger forced to jam defensively again. What do you do if defense isn’t your strong suit? If you’re Hermione Danger, you jump the apex again to call off another jam. Mad Maxican would fight back against the Rollers for two points, but the momentum would never swing back in their favor and ThumpHer would put the nail in the coffin with a seven point jam late in the fourth. The bout would come to a close with the Holy Rollers victorious over the Cowgirls,84-50.

The Rhinestone Cowgirls had a strong outing, possibly their best this season, and for a brief moment in the third quarter it seemed the momentum may have shifted in their favor. But the Holy Rollers have the weapons to get themselves out of a pinch and with Hermione Danger tap-dancing her way around the pack and Bible ThumpHer plowing her way through opponents, the Rollers came back. And hard. The absence of Dusty Doublewide on the track has been sorely felt by the Cowgirls this season (and by a dedicated fan base…Dusty, please come back, my life is empty without you! (…Sorry Boss.)). And it can be tough to loose one of the best tools in your toolbox. It’s not all doom and gloom for the Cowgirls, however. They have solid veterans like Mad Maxican and Cold Warr to prop them up, as well as exciting new players to build on like Domme Drapper. It’s a fond farewell to the Cowgirls for this season, but it won’t be long until next year when those six-guns come blazin’ back!

Come back next time for more TXRD from the W.C.! Thanks for visiting my inter web station. Special thanks to  Jeffrey McMillan for letting me manhandle his photographs.

Leave a comment if you have your own opinions on the bout. (I love it when they talk derby to me.) Or if you just want to say “hi”. Y’know, whatever’s cool.

Cowgirls in the Chapel

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A pre-bout analysis for the Rhinestone Cowgirls vs. the Holy Rollers.

A dusty figure emerges from the windy trail and casts a long shadow across the track at the TXRD Thunderdome. Two opponents eye each other in the fading light of the arid plains. Eyes squinting, the Rhinestone Cowgirls size up their opponents. Unflinchingly, the Holy Rollers return the steely gaze. They both know it’s come to this. The final regular season bout for both teams. The Holy Rollers will hit the track in hopes of keeping their playoff chances alive with a solid win. But the Cowgirls have stakes of their own as they try to close out the season with a win under their jewel studded gun belt.  They each move their hands slowly towards their holsters. Soon there will be a flurry of action, and then one team will stand victorious with their opponent cold in the dust.

The Rollers have had an uphill battle this season, but they hold their own future in their hands and a win this week would keep their chances of making it into the playoffs a statistical possibility. They’ve been strong under the leadership team-up of Prissy Galore and Hermione Danger (incidentally, “Danger Galore” is the title of my James Bond/Harry Potter fan fiction). And with a blocking core with the likes of Elle B. Bach and Ghettostar Balactica (also incidentally, “Galactinator” is the title of my Terminator/Battlestar Galactica fan fiction) wreaking havoc on opposing jammers, the Rollers are well positioned to finish the regular season on a high note.

The Cowgirls have had a rough go of it this season but doubtless want to finish strong and take the momentum of a win into the off season. The pieces are there for the Cowgirls: they have veterans Dusty Doublewide and Cold Warr anchoring the team, nimble jammers Mad Maxican and Bad Apple among others, and workhorse pack members like Bikini Killer and Domme Draper. Their only thing they’ve been lacking this season is that spark to bring those instruments together into a symphony. A deadly symphony in fishnets and halter-tops (incidentally, “Fishnets and Halter-Tops” is the name of my western re-imagining of The Rocky Horror Picture Show).

Who takes home the victory this week? Statistics would point towards the Holy Rollers. When they’re not carving swear words into the confession booth, they’re practicing their hip checks on the neighborhood children. But the Rhinestone Cowgirls are just mean enough to pull off the upset. They keep getting hit over the head with empty whiskey bottles, but like the stubborn tough-girls that they are, they get right back up and dare you to do it again.  We’ll just have to head over to the Thunderdome and see who’s faster on the draw.

Special thanks to Jeffrey McMillan for allowing the abuse of his photographs.

Fire Bomb

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A post-bout analysis of the Cherry Bombs vs las Putas del Fuego

It was an old fashioned slugfest as the lean and mean Cherry Bombs took on the hard hitting las Putas del Fuego in a decisive bout. For las Putas, this bout would get them one step closer to the post-season and be a huge boost of confidence going into their final bout of the year. For the Bombs, this is their last chance to take fate into their own hands and potentially secure a playoff berth. Who would conquer the ring and who would be left bloody and bruised on the canvas? The opponents came to the center with fire in their eyes, touched gloves, and then the gloves immediately came off as the skates hit the track at the Thunderdome.

The tone for much of the first quarter would be set on the first jam of the night, with Bendy Davis for the Cherry Bombs and Lyka Boss for las Putas del Fuego in a dead heat that would earn them each one point. The defenses would be on show for the rest of the quarter with Lois Slay’n and Bully Jean shutting down the Putas’ jammers. On the other side of the track, las Putas were impressive early with Bidi Bidi Boom Boom and Corazone setting up walls that stopped the Bombs in their tracks. With help from Ramona Deflowers and Lyka Boss in the “hit them because they wear a different color than us” department, las Putas were going to make them earn every inch in this bout. The field finally opened up with an impressive jam from Cherry Bomb Joliette Jane for four points, who was skating like she was on the run from Illinois Nazis. (Did you see what I did there? It’s a Blues Brothers reference. Come on, this is A material, here.) Points were at a premium in the first quarter and it would end with the Bombs up 6 – 4 (the lowest score the W.C. has ever seen for a first quarter).

At the start of the second, Bendy Davis decided low scoring is for soccer and grabbed eight points in a jam against Puta Juicy Cooter. Soon after, the crowd was treated to the matchup of the evening with Lyka Boss jamming head to head with newly returned Bomb Rocky Casbah. (Seriously, this is like my Batman vs. Superman, except this is actually awesome and everything makes sense and nobody takes a big dump on my childhood, Zack Snyder!) Boss would edge out Rocky at the start of the jam, but with Rocky inches from her posterior, Boss would be forced to defensively call off the jam. Ramona Deflowers would go up against Ninja Please in her first-ever jam as a Puta, but Ninja would not be gentle for her first time and dominated her way to two more points for the Bombs (the safe word is pumpernickel). Puta Pea Khante was effective in shutting down Cherry Bomb Milla Juke-a-bitch, but once Lyka Boss was able to get lead jammer the Bombs went to a runaway defense that left the Putas with no points to show for the jam. Joliette Jane would continue to be impressive for the Bombs, leaping around the defensive wall set by Corazone and scoring five points, and then just a few jams later getting four points to close out the second quarter. The first half would end with the Bombs growing their lead to 27-9.

The second half would continue with more struggles for las Putas as Lyka Boss and Knock Out would both be in the penalty box, allowing Train Wreck to get eight points against Buffy Basher, who had to slide back and fill the jammer gap. Mouse was able to get two points for las Putas, but Zara Problem would have a problem with this and tackled Mouse at the top of the track and then the two would tussle it out. Not long after this, Lyka Boss would line up on the jam line and execute an epic scoring run, dodging first one and then another Cherry Bomb blocker that came flying at her (only to be met with the empty space where Boss used to be). When the jampocolypse (Jampocolypse: new derby name! Dibs!) was all said and done, and her opponents lay strewn about the track behind her, Lyka Boss would earn thirteen points on a single jam (the highest scoring jam that the W.C. has yet to see), reminding us all why she is the Boss. Joliette Jane would come back for more at the end of the third to get two points in a jam against Knock Out, who was held up by a barrage of elbows to the chest from Ninja Please. (Maybe Ninja just saw a spider on her shirt?) At the end of the third, las Putas had added to their score, but were still behind 44-29.

The Cherry Bombs would capitalize on another Puta penalty to start the fourth and Train Wreck Trina would get four points out of it. The blocking schemes and defensive walls of Rocky, Ninja and Bully would continue to plague las Putas, but their own defenses were still strong with Pea Khante, Corazone and Juicy Cooter going toe to toe with their opponents. That aggressive Puta defense would give Milla Juke-a-bitch and up-close and personal encounter with a rail-pole that she would, fortunately, walk away from seemingly unscathed. (I’m just sayin’, if that had been me, I would have to switch from boxers to briefs from now on.) Boss would continue to be the most effective point scorer for las Putas and would get two more against Joliet late in the fourth. To close things out, Rocky Casbah would steal a jam from Buffy Basher, which would inspire a scuffle and then a pile up at turn one and the bout would close with the Cherry Bombs victorious, 54-32.

The game was a slow build that ended with a bang as the Cherry Bombs put their various weapons into play against the never-say-die defense of las Putas del Fuego. The Bombs solidified their position for this season, and if my math is correct (and it almost never is, thanks public education) they clinched their spot in the post season this year. It’s exactly that depth of talent that makes the Bombs the threat that they are this season because it’s easy to keep the momentum going when your jammers are well rested because you have, like, eight of them. But I don’t dare count las Putas out yet. They’ve gotten used to winning over the last couple of seasons, and their final bout coming up is entirely in their hands to win. More than anything, it felt like bad luck was their worst enemy this time with several major penalties that kept Lyka Boss off the track. And the game was not a particularly penalty-heavy outing. (In fact there were so few penalties the game went along fairly quickly.) But the timing of those penalties just didn’t go in las Putas favor.

The end of the season is starting to heat up! Who will play their final bout this season and who will get one more chance at glory? Come back next time and maybe I’ll let you know. For a dollar. And a yo-yo, I want a yo-yo too.

Thanks again for reading, and  the W.C. will see you here next time! Special thanks to Jeffrey McMillan for letting me manhandle his photos.

Fire meets Fireworks

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A pre-bout analysis for the Putas del Fuego vs. the Cherry Bombs.

This is it, ladies. The season is half over and it’s time to plant your skate on the track and secure your legacy for the 2016 season. Up next we have two teams that are firmly in the middle of the pack this season, and they’re looking to stake a claim on the playoffs as the Putas del Fuego take on the Cherry Bombs. Who will take one step closer to the playoffs and who will be left to fight it out with the rest of the league? Lets see what each team brings to the table.

First up: the Bombs. The Bombs continue to perform well this season. They have depth at the jammer position with Milla Juka-a-Bitch, Ninja Please and Rocky Casbah. Plus the recent addition of Joliet Jane (the artist formerly known as Bambi Blow) has only made their ability to score points that much more threatening. And their core of blockers are no slouches, either. Under the leadership of Train Wreck Trina, they’ve got the heavy hitters to keep opponents in check with the likes of Rolla Parks and Zara Problem knocking players around like Barry Bonds in a pinata factory. (That was a baseball reference for everyone’s dad who reads this.)

And then there’s the Putas. With a legacy of punishment, they’re a well rounded threat for any opponent. With the speed and muscle of Lyka Boss and Smitey Mouse, and the hard hitting of pack regulars like Bidi Bidi Boom Boom and Putahontas, they know how to (and frequently do) bring the pain to the banked track. (In fact, I’m pretty sure that when they’re not practicing they’re out giving indian-burns and pink-bellies to football players. My point is, these girls are mean.) This will, however, be their first outing without the solid foundation of Sabataj. Will her presence be missed? You bet. Will the Putas game suffer because of it? That’s yet to be seen.

Which of these teams will come out on top? Either one of them can give their opponents a bad day on the track. If I go with my gut, it’s the Cherry Bombs. But I wouldn’t put money on it. The Putas are more than capable of not only bringing the can of whoop-ass, but shotgunning it, crushing it on their forehead, and throwing it right in your face. Guess we’ll all just have to take a trip to the Thunderdome this Saturday to see how it all falls out!

That’s all for now from the W.C.. Thanks for reading, and a special thanks to Jeffrey McMillan for letting me hack up his photos.

Don’t forget to like and follow and send cake.

Kitties on the Range

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A post-bout analysis for the Rhinestone Cowgirls vs. the Hellcats

Well, the W.C. got back from vacation and what was the first thing he did? Why he made straight for the Thunderdome to catch up on the most entertaining sport in the world! And this one promised to be a whopper as the Rhinestone Cowgirls took on the Hellcats. The Hellcats are on a hot streak, skating like they made the proverbial deal with the devil for unholy derby powers. They look poised to make a run at an undefeated season, but the next test of their mettle comes in the form of the Rhinestone Cowgirls. The Cowgirls have had a rough season on the range so far and are looking to turn things around. They’ve got the talent, but do they have the moxy to throw cold water on the red-hot (or should I say pink-hot) Hellcats? As the lights came up and the skates hit the boards, the next 32 minutes would give us the answer.

The hits came hard and early in this bout with the Hellcats Hannthrax taking solid licks from the Rhinestone’s Ablazin Grace in the first jam, but she still managed to kick things off with three points for her team. The Cowgirls would face setbacks early as a penalty would put them at negative numbers until jammer Bad Apple got them on the board with three points. Hellcat Knottie Knoxville wasted no time in her comeback bout to dish out the punishment on Cowgirl Mad Maxican, shutting her down and allowing her teammate Glitterotica to bring home three more points. The Hellcats would continue with a strong start from their jammers Break-n-Bake, as well as Jammit Janet, who would force Ablazin to call off a jam with Jammit hot on her heels. But the Cowgirls are not without their own weapons and Sassy Squasher jumped around the pack (In what I’m pretty sure was a violation of the laws of physics. But of course the refs didn’t call it. Come on refs! The laws of thermodynamics are there for a reason!) and roped up four more points for her team. The score would be close at the end of the first quarter with the Cowgirls behind at 23-10.

The second quarter kept the hits coming with Hellcat Heathen breaking up the Cowgirls pack to allow teammate Mo-Lest-her to earn four points on a jam. But Knotty Knoxville and Glitterotica wouldn’t let Heathen have all the fun and they did the same for Break-n-Bake on her next jam. Jammit Janet would also continue to plow around the track like she’s in a time warp (Did you see what I did there?) and stole the jam from Sassy Squasher when she was looking the other way. Knottie and Glitter would continue to team up like the wonder-twins of hard licks (Form of: a middle finger! Form of: a hand to hold up the middle finger!) and put some punishment to Cowgirl Bad Apple. But Apple was in no mood to be bullied and she payed the Hellcats back to the tune of five points, taking advantage of Jammit being in the penalty box. The Cowgirls would fight hard, but at the half the Hellcats were still up 40-14.

Starting the third quarter, Hellcat Captian Roxy Revolver would continue to block well, opening holes for an aggressive Break-n-Bake. The Cowgirls would also continue with a strong showing from Domme Draper and Bikini Killer who blocked fiercely, helping teammate Cold Warr take four points back behind the iron curtain. Apple would continue to earn points by capitalizing on Hellcats penalties, but whenever something would go the Cowgirls way, something else would seem to go against them as evidenced by Mad Maxican earning three clear points on a jam where she was well ahead of Break-n-Bake, yet the officiating team awarded Baker with three points of her own as well. A travesty of officiating? Only history will be able to judge. (Also, no one tell head ref Hatchet Ma that I said that. I’m in no hurry to find out if her name is hyperbole or not.) The Hellcats weren’t finished with their point runs yet, though and Jammit Janet fought hard for final single point at the end of the third to put her team up 58-22. Janet would crawl her way back to the bench, clearly grateful for the between quarter break.

The final quarter would kick off with Sassy Squasher sneaking out a point in a jam against Hellcat Hannthrax, followed by Ablazin Grace skeaking one past Break-n-Bake. The Cowgirls would continue to nickel and dime the Hellcats with Apple earning two more in a jam against Hannthrax. But Hannthrax wouldn’t take this lying down and the next chance she got she claimed an impressive eight points for herself. The Hellcats would continue to dominate the Cowgirls for the remainder of the bout, even feeling comfortable enough to attempt a jammer switch on the last jam of the bout. Break-n-Bake started as the jammer but by the end of turn one she had passed her panty to Heathen who would go on to earn six points on the jam. As things came together for the Hellcats on the final jam, Cowgirl Cold Warr decided she was going to get one last shot at the action and tackled Mo-Lest-her to cap off the bout. And so the bout would close with the Hellcats soundly trouncing the Rhinestone Cowgirls with a score of 90-27.

It was a tale of two teams at the Thunderdome this Saturday. The Hellcats have crafted a solid jamming core for themselves with the likes of Hannthrax, Jammit Janet and Break-n-Bake leaving their oponents in the dust like so much kitty litter. Under the leadership of Roxxi Revolver and Glitterotica and the impressive blocking schemes of Heathen and Soviet Crusha, they have solidified themselves as the complete package this season, and made an impressive turn around from last seasons disappointing run. The Rhinestone Cowgirls continue to have solid players, but are somehow not able to bring their talent into a cohesive unit this season. Their blockers, like Domme Draper an Bikini Killer, are strong. Their captains are experienced with Cold Warr and Dusty Doublewide showing all the passion and profanity you would expect. And with the likes of Bad Apple and Mad Maxican as jammers they are nimble and fast. The only thing that seems to not yet have fallen into place is the cohesion that would take them from a group of talented individuals to a team of frightening femme fetales. There’s still a lot of derby to go this season, and I for one can’t wait to see how it all shakes out!

That’s all this time from the W.C. Thanks for reading. If it wasn’t for you, this would be just another dark cul-de-sac on the information super highway.

Special thanks to TXRD announcer Kramer for helping me keep my facts straight, and to Jeffrey McMillan for letting me butcher his beautiful pictures.

 

Cherry Poppin’ Baddies

 

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A post-bout analysis for the Cherry Bombs vs. the Holy Rollers.

The bad girls from the street corner faced off against the bad girls form the schoolyard as the Cherry Bombs took on the Holy Rollers at the not-so-neutral ground of the Thunderdome this Saturday. With league standings on the line, this would be more than just a schoolyard scuffle. Each team had earned themselves a victory and a loss this season, which meant that only one of them would emerge from this bout with a winning record. The Bombs came to the brawl touting a not-so-secret weapon: Rocky Casbah. That’s right, the hottest point scorer since that kid from The Wizard was on hand in her first bout since coming back from retirement. (You know, I hear shareef don’t like it.) But the Rollers fear no skater and laugh in the face of danger. (Although I’m not sure why they would do that. Hermione Danger is their teammate. It seems insensitive to laugh at your friends face.) Who would win this turf war with more than just bragging rites on the line? As the lights went down and the excitement cranked up, only the skates would decide.

Cherry Bomb Bendy Davis would kick things off in the bout by earning four points despite taking a hard rail to the back. The Bombs would look strong early with Rolla Parks and Lois Slay’n putting up a strong defense. Soon after, Rocky Casbah would get her shot at the action and take a shot from Atilla the Nun, who gave her a Holy-Roller-Howdy in the form of an elbow to the face. (Welcome back Rocky.) The crowd would collectively gasp as Holy Roller Prissy Galore took a hard hit and went tumbling out of the track, but she bounced back in like her bones are made of flubber, coming out of it with nary a scratch on her. The action would stutter early in the game with penalties interjecting themselves like your little brother at a slumber party (No Dustin, you can’t watch Ten Things I Hate About You with us. Mom rented The Pacifier for you, and stop trying to smell Kendra’s hair!). Cherry Bomb Bully Jean would put up a strong defense that would allow Rolla Parks to rack up points early, and Ninja Please would weave around blockers like a professional block-weaving-person (Look, they can’t all be gold. I’ve got a lot of ground to cover here.) Bible ThumpHer would continue to earn points for the Holy Rollers, but with most of the first quarter already gone, she was the only Roller yet to do so. The first quarter would cap off with a hard fought victory for Cherry Bomb Zara Problem as she bested Nicola Virus at an arm wrestling penalty that lasted longer than Vanna Fook’s latest hair color. The Cherry Bombs would wrap up the first quarter with a respectable lead of 31-6.

The second quarter would start off with a fresh smattering of penalties just to keep the officiating team from getting bored. (Complete non sequitur: How is it that Mardi Brawl can keep her hair so quaffed under that helmet? I mean, that kind of hold would put a 1990’s Luke Perry to shame.) Not far after the start of the second, Holy Roller Hermione Danger would take a bad fall and injure her leg (requiring the attentions of staff medic Dr. Evil) but, thankfully, she would leave the track under her own power. Stepping up to fill the shoes of her faller teammate, Dyers Eve would false start, but still manage to bring home five points for the Rollers (the most they had scored in one jam to that point). The Rollers would continue to put the pressure on with a hotly contested jam between Cherry Bomb Ninja Please and Roller Prissy Galore that would have Prissy just edging out Ninja to call off the jam. At this point it was a battle of the defenses with Elle B. Bach and Nicola Virus blocking well for the Rollers, and Bully Jean and Rolla Parks doing the same for the Bombs. ThumpHer would continue to be the only Roller consistently getting points on the board, nickel and diming them one at a time. But as the half drew to a close, the Bombs would still be ahead 43-16.

ThumpHer’s scoring passes would continue to yield results in the third quarter, but the Rollers would continue to be plagued by penalties. Hermione Danger would triumphantly return to the game in the third quarter, skating well against Rocky Casbah, who would barely call off the jam to keep Danger from stealing it. On the opposite end of the track, Zara Problem and Nicola Virus would get into a tussle that looked to be of a less than playful nature as tension on the track would mounted for the Rollers. Cherry Bomb Milla Juke-a-bitch would zip through the pack for a scoring run while Train Wreck Trina* sat on ThumpHer, effectively shutting her down for the jam. Soon after, Scrappy would find herself in a good position to bring home another fist full of points for the Bombs until Hermione Danger decided it was time for a little dark magic and tackled her to put a stop to her scoring run. (Hermione would also receive an elbow to the boob for her efforts. Worth it.) Despite her opponents suddenly playing by Australian rules**, Scrappy would continue to eat up points for the Bombs. Prissy Galore would earn four points against Train Wreck Trina on a jam that had Train Wreck taking a fair amount of punishment. But it’s hard to stop a Train, and that plucky powerhouse of a pixie would bring home five points on the next jam. By the end of the third quarter, the Bombs had stretched their lead to 74-26.

The train would continue to chug along in the fourth quarter, until someone put a penny on the tracks and Train Wreck derailed out of the track. Thankfully, though, it was another near miss for the night and Trina was back on the track faster than you could say Union Pacific. Elle B. Back would put on her best reverse block to shut down Scrappy on a well set up jam, only to be the recipient of a punishing reverse block of her own from Milla Juke-a-bitch. And while this would earn Milla a penalty for skating in the wrong direction, it was also a penalty for Elle, one that would bring her total up to three majors and earn her a one way trip down the walk of shame as she was ejected. ThumpHer would continue to be the Rollers most productive jammer of the evening, jumping through the pack like a jack rabbit and earning five more points on a late jam. But Rocky Casbah would not be outdone on her comeback night and fought back for five points of her own on the same jam. The pressure would continue to mount for the Rollers and Dyers Eve would let the pressure get the best of her when she cut the track to tackle Rolla Parks who had a commanding lead in the jam. The bad news would compound, however, as this was Dyers third major and she joined Elle in the ejected players club. And, to keep things from getting too stale late in the game, Ghettostar Balactica would take down Rocky Casbah like a luchador in a grudge match. The bout would come to an end with the Holy Rollers looking a little worse for wear and the Cherry Bombs victorious at 98-37.

The hits came hard and often in this bout, but the difference in score belies what was actually a well played game. The Holy Rollers came to the bout looking comfortable and prepared. Their blocking was organized and their jammers were hitting holes hard with ThumpHer taking her usual advantage on the high end of the track and Dyers Eve putting up another strong outing as a jammer. And their blockers were far from ineffective with Elle and Nicola controlling the pack and Ghetto and Atilla providing the hard hits to disrupt their opponents play. But the Cherry Bombs came to play and everything the Rollers did, the Bombs did just a little better. Their core blockers, Bully, Zara and Lois, not only hit hard but set up solid walls and impressive waterfalls that they were able to extend beautifully when it looked like a Roller would might escape the pack. Their jammers were as nimble as ever with Scrappy and Bendy weaving through the pack. But their biggest threat is their versatility. They’ve got great jammers in Ninja, Rolla, and newcomer Bambi Blows, but each of those skaters are also legitimate blocking threats who consistently shut down their opponents momentum and clear paths for their own players. Under the guiding arm of Train Wreck, the Bombs have found their stride this season. The Holy Rollers were not unprepared however, nor were they outclassed, they were just outplayed (and not by much). But they should have no shame in their performance for this bout, they made the Bombs earn every inch.

A special thanks to TXRD Announcer Kramer for helping me keep my facts straight.

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Come back next time for more from the W.C.!

*Accidently misspelled Train Wreck’s name the first time and created a new derby name: Trann-Wreck. (Dibs!)

**I have no idea what the actual Australian rules of any sport are, but I assume they largely involve adding the phrase, “Punching is encouraged.” to the top of the rule book.