Rollers and Rhinestones

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A post-bout analysis of the Rhinestone Cowgirls vs. the Holy Rollers.

A cowgirl and a nun walk into a bar…What’s a nun doing in a bar, you ask? Well, when it’s  the Sisters from the Sacred Heart School for Girls, you can bet it’s gonna be putting the bruise onto some filthy heathens. And who might those heathens be? Well, saddled up to the bar sit the Rhinestone Cowgirls, TXRD’s resident ropers-in-wranglers. They’ve had a tough season on the range and they’re in no mood for a sermon. The piano goes silent and the room clears out as the Rhinestone Cowgirls face off against the Holy Rollers. The Rollers fight to keep their playoff hopes alive and the Cowgirls want to finish the season on a high note and a win under their belt. This barroom brawl is about to spill out onto the streets and one thing’s for certain: the next 32 minutes are going to be messy.

The bout would kick off well for the Rhinestone Cowgirls with Sassy Squasher and Bad Apple putting up the first five points of the bout between the two of them. But the Holy Rollers didn’t come to spectate and Bible ThumpHer  answered with four points of her own on a jam against Mad Maxican. Soon after, Prissy Galore would square off against Sassy and stack on another seven points for the Rollers, and ThumpHer would steal a jam from Apple and take another two points back to the Rollers tithing plate. (And by tithing I mean the money they extort from the neighborhood kids to buy brass knuckles and blackjacks.) What do you do when your teammates hog all the glory? If you’re Hermione Danger you tip-toe like a ballerina around a wall of Cowgirl blockers, just staying in-bounds. But Cowgirl Catty Whompass was not content to watch Danger run away with the jam and tackled her as she emerged on the straight away. Danger shook off her assailant and was still able to earn an impressive six points on her jam. Gnarly Carly would set out to try and make up the difference for the Cowgirls, but Prissy Galore would steal the jam from her along with two points for the Rollers. Despite loosing lead status, however, Carly would outscore Prissy on that same jam with three points. The finish of the first quarter would have the Rollers up 27-11.

To start the second quarter, the Cowgirls would keep ThumpHer in check with the effective blocking trio of Bikini Killer, Cold Warr and Ablazin Grace. But even though she was bottled up, ThumpHer still managed to get one point. Danger would would take to the track again with her usual gusto, but with Mad Maxican hot on her heels, she would call of a jam after squeezing out just one point. Prissy Galore would continue her impressive scoring runs, but Catty Whompass (still sore, no doubt, about her dust-up with Danger)would soon tire of this and put a hard lick on Prissy to stop another of her scoring runs. Danger would once again call off a promising jam as Gnarly Carly kept the pressure on for the Cowgirls. But soon it would be the Cowgirls turn to be on the receiving end Sassy Squasher raced neck-and-neck with ThumpHer, pressing her advantage and only barely calling the jam off in time to thwart the Rollers. The Cowgirls would finish the second quarter strong with Mad grabbing six points, Carly sneaking through the pack like a cat burglar for four, and Sassy Squasher nabbing five to close out the half. But the Rollers still held tightly to the lead with 44 to the Cowgirls 25.

The defenses would give a strong showing at the start of the second half with Nicola Virus keeping Mad Maxican in check for the Rollers, and Ablazin Grace and Domme Draper shutting down ThumpHer for the Cowgirls. But what do you do when there’s a big wall of defense smashed up in front of you? If you’re Hermione Danger, you jump the apex of turn one to earn the Rollers three more points. But Bad Apple showed her that Cowgirls never say “die” (Or is that Goonies? Or was Goonies Pirates? *gasp* Or Pirate Cowboys!…I think I have the name of my new derby team.) and one-uped her to bring in four for the Cowgirls. This would start a trend for the Cowgirls and soon Rollers would start flying around like chihuahuas at a punting contest as Gnarly Carly smashed past the defense of Roller Ghettostar Balactica for two points. Dyers Eve would be sent to the penalty box to do a few hail maries, allowing Sassy Squasher to rack up an impressive eight points for the Cowgirls, and Apple would maintain a wide lead on Danger to earn four points. The third quarter would end with the Cowgirls getting a rope around that bull and digging their heels in to close the gap on the Rollers lead of 52-45.

Nicola Virus and Boi Division would start the fourth quarter for the Rollers in the penalty box. What do you do when two of your teammates are out for a jam? If you’re Hermione Danger, you fly through the pack like that bad Thai food through my guts last week, get lead jammer, call off the jam and save the penalty. The Rollers would start to re-assert themselves with Atilla the Nun slowing the Cowgirls momentum with aggresive blocking and ThumpHer capitalizing on Gnarly Carly being in the penalty box to the tune of eight points. Prissy would join in on the fun with seven points of her own, but would soon find herself in the penalty box with Danger forced to jam defensively again. What do you do if defense isn’t your strong suit? If you’re Hermione Danger, you jump the apex again to call off another jam. Mad Maxican would fight back against the Rollers for two points, but the momentum would never swing back in their favor and ThumpHer would put the nail in the coffin with a seven point jam late in the fourth. The bout would come to a close with the Holy Rollers victorious over the Cowgirls,84-50.

The Rhinestone Cowgirls had a strong outing, possibly their best this season, and for a brief moment in the third quarter it seemed the momentum may have shifted in their favor. But the Holy Rollers have the weapons to get themselves out of a pinch and with Hermione Danger tap-dancing her way around the pack and Bible ThumpHer plowing her way through opponents, the Rollers came back. And hard. The absence of Dusty Doublewide on the track has been sorely felt by the Cowgirls this season (and by a dedicated fan base…Dusty, please come back, my life is empty without you! (…Sorry Boss.)). And it can be tough to loose one of the best tools in your toolbox. It’s not all doom and gloom for the Cowgirls, however. They have solid veterans like Mad Maxican and Cold Warr to prop them up, as well as exciting new players to build on like Domme Drapper. It’s a fond farewell to the Cowgirls for this season, but it won’t be long until next year when those six-guns come blazin’ back!

Come back next time for more TXRD from the W.C.! Thanks for visiting my inter web station. Special thanks to  Jeffrey McMillan for letting me manhandle his photographs.

Leave a comment if you have your own opinions on the bout. (I love it when they talk derby to me.) Or if you just want to say “hi”. Y’know, whatever’s cool.

Cowgirls in the Chapel

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A pre-bout analysis for the Rhinestone Cowgirls vs. the Holy Rollers.

A dusty figure emerges from the windy trail and casts a long shadow across the track at the TXRD Thunderdome. Two opponents eye each other in the fading light of the arid plains. Eyes squinting, the Rhinestone Cowgirls size up their opponents. Unflinchingly, the Holy Rollers return the steely gaze. They both know it’s come to this. The final regular season bout for both teams. The Holy Rollers will hit the track in hopes of keeping their playoff chances alive with a solid win. But the Cowgirls have stakes of their own as they try to close out the season with a win under their jewel studded gun belt.  They each move their hands slowly towards their holsters. Soon there will be a flurry of action, and then one team will stand victorious with their opponent cold in the dust.

The Rollers have had an uphill battle this season, but they hold their own future in their hands and a win this week would keep their chances of making it into the playoffs a statistical possibility. They’ve been strong under the leadership team-up of Prissy Galore and Hermione Danger (incidentally, “Danger Galore” is the title of my James Bond/Harry Potter fan fiction). And with a blocking core with the likes of Elle B. Bach and Ghettostar Balactica (also incidentally, “Galactinator” is the title of my Terminator/Battlestar Galactica fan fiction) wreaking havoc on opposing jammers, the Rollers are well positioned to finish the regular season on a high note.

The Cowgirls have had a rough go of it this season but doubtless want to finish strong and take the momentum of a win into the off season. The pieces are there for the Cowgirls: they have veterans Dusty Doublewide and Cold Warr anchoring the team, nimble jammers Mad Maxican and Bad Apple among others, and workhorse pack members like Bikini Killer and Domme Draper. Their only thing they’ve been lacking this season is that spark to bring those instruments together into a symphony. A deadly symphony in fishnets and halter-tops (incidentally, “Fishnets and Halter-Tops” is the name of my western re-imagining of The Rocky Horror Picture Show).

Who takes home the victory this week? Statistics would point towards the Holy Rollers. When they’re not carving swear words into the confession booth, they’re practicing their hip checks on the neighborhood children. But the Rhinestone Cowgirls are just mean enough to pull off the upset. They keep getting hit over the head with empty whiskey bottles, but like the stubborn tough-girls that they are, they get right back up and dare you to do it again.  We’ll just have to head over to the Thunderdome and see who’s faster on the draw.

Special thanks to Jeffrey McMillan for allowing the abuse of his photographs.

Fire Bomb

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A post-bout analysis of the Cherry Bombs vs las Putas del Fuego

It was an old fashioned slugfest as the lean and mean Cherry Bombs took on the hard hitting las Putas del Fuego in a decisive bout. For las Putas, this bout would get them one step closer to the post-season and be a huge boost of confidence going into their final bout of the year. For the Bombs, this is their last chance to take fate into their own hands and potentially secure a playoff berth. Who would conquer the ring and who would be left bloody and bruised on the canvas? The opponents came to the center with fire in their eyes, touched gloves, and then the gloves immediately came off as the skates hit the track at the Thunderdome.

The tone for much of the first quarter would be set on the first jam of the night, with Bendy Davis for the Cherry Bombs and Lyka Boss for las Putas del Fuego in a dead heat that would earn them each one point. The defenses would be on show for the rest of the quarter with Lois Slay’n and Bully Jean shutting down the Putas’ jammers. On the other side of the track, las Putas were impressive early with Bidi Bidi Boom Boom and Corazone setting up walls that stopped the Bombs in their tracks. With help from Ramona Deflowers and Lyka Boss in the “hit them because they wear a different color than us” department, las Putas were going to make them earn every inch in this bout. The field finally opened up with an impressive jam from Cherry Bomb Joliette Jane for four points, who was skating like she was on the run from Illinois Nazis. (Did you see what I did there? It’s a Blues Brothers reference. Come on, this is A material, here.) Points were at a premium in the first quarter and it would end with the Bombs up 6 – 4 (the lowest score the W.C. has ever seen for a first quarter).

At the start of the second, Bendy Davis decided low scoring is for soccer and grabbed eight points in a jam against Puta Juicy Cooter. Soon after, the crowd was treated to the matchup of the evening with Lyka Boss jamming head to head with newly returned Bomb Rocky Casbah. (Seriously, this is like my Batman vs. Superman, except this is actually awesome and everything makes sense and nobody takes a big dump on my childhood, Zack Snyder!) Boss would edge out Rocky at the start of the jam, but with Rocky inches from her posterior, Boss would be forced to defensively call off the jam. Ramona Deflowers would go up against Ninja Please in her first-ever jam as a Puta, but Ninja would not be gentle for her first time and dominated her way to two more points for the Bombs (the safe word is pumpernickel). Puta Pea Khante was effective in shutting down Cherry Bomb Milla Juke-a-bitch, but once Lyka Boss was able to get lead jammer the Bombs went to a runaway defense that left the Putas with no points to show for the jam. Joliette Jane would continue to be impressive for the Bombs, leaping around the defensive wall set by Corazone and scoring five points, and then just a few jams later getting four points to close out the second quarter. The first half would end with the Bombs growing their lead to 27-9.

The second half would continue with more struggles for las Putas as Lyka Boss and Knock Out would both be in the penalty box, allowing Train Wreck to get eight points against Buffy Basher, who had to slide back and fill the jammer gap. Mouse was able to get two points for las Putas, but Zara Problem would have a problem with this and tackled Mouse at the top of the track and then the two would tussle it out. Not long after this, Lyka Boss would line up on the jam line and execute an epic scoring run, dodging first one and then another Cherry Bomb blocker that came flying at her (only to be met with the empty space where Boss used to be). When the jampocolypse (Jampocolypse: new derby name! Dibs!) was all said and done, and her opponents lay strewn about the track behind her, Lyka Boss would earn thirteen points on a single jam (the highest scoring jam that the W.C. has yet to see), reminding us all why she is the Boss. Joliette Jane would come back for more at the end of the third to get two points in a jam against Knock Out, who was held up by a barrage of elbows to the chest from Ninja Please. (Maybe Ninja just saw a spider on her shirt?) At the end of the third, las Putas had added to their score, but were still behind 44-29.

The Cherry Bombs would capitalize on another Puta penalty to start the fourth and Train Wreck Trina would get four points out of it. The blocking schemes and defensive walls of Rocky, Ninja and Bully would continue to plague las Putas, but their own defenses were still strong with Pea Khante, Corazone and Juicy Cooter going toe to toe with their opponents. That aggressive Puta defense would give Milla Juke-a-bitch and up-close and personal encounter with a rail-pole that she would, fortunately, walk away from seemingly unscathed. (I’m just sayin’, if that had been me, I would have to switch from boxers to briefs from now on.) Boss would continue to be the most effective point scorer for las Putas and would get two more against Joliet late in the fourth. To close things out, Rocky Casbah would steal a jam from Buffy Basher, which would inspire a scuffle and then a pile up at turn one and the bout would close with the Cherry Bombs victorious, 54-32.

The game was a slow build that ended with a bang as the Cherry Bombs put their various weapons into play against the never-say-die defense of las Putas del Fuego. The Bombs solidified their position for this season, and if my math is correct (and it almost never is, thanks public education) they clinched their spot in the post season this year. It’s exactly that depth of talent that makes the Bombs the threat that they are this season because it’s easy to keep the momentum going when your jammers are well rested because you have, like, eight of them. But I don’t dare count las Putas out yet. They’ve gotten used to winning over the last couple of seasons, and their final bout coming up is entirely in their hands to win. More than anything, it felt like bad luck was their worst enemy this time with several major penalties that kept Lyka Boss off the track. And the game was not a particularly penalty-heavy outing. (In fact there were so few penalties the game went along fairly quickly.) But the timing of those penalties just didn’t go in las Putas favor.

The end of the season is starting to heat up! Who will play their final bout this season and who will get one more chance at glory? Come back next time and maybe I’ll let you know. For a dollar. And a yo-yo, I want a yo-yo too.

Thanks again for reading, and  the W.C. will see you here next time! Special thanks to Jeffrey McMillan for letting me manhandle his photos.

Fire meets Fireworks

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A pre-bout analysis for the Putas del Fuego vs. the Cherry Bombs.

This is it, ladies. The season is half over and it’s time to plant your skate on the track and secure your legacy for the 2016 season. Up next we have two teams that are firmly in the middle of the pack this season, and they’re looking to stake a claim on the playoffs as the Putas del Fuego take on the Cherry Bombs. Who will take one step closer to the playoffs and who will be left to fight it out with the rest of the league? Lets see what each team brings to the table.

First up: the Bombs. The Bombs continue to perform well this season. They have depth at the jammer position with Milla Juka-a-Bitch, Ninja Please and Rocky Casbah. Plus the recent addition of Joliet Jane (the artist formerly known as Bambi Blow) has only made their ability to score points that much more threatening. And their core of blockers are no slouches, either. Under the leadership of Train Wreck Trina, they’ve got the heavy hitters to keep opponents in check with the likes of Rolla Parks and Zara Problem knocking players around like Barry Bonds in a pinata factory. (That was a baseball reference for everyone’s dad who reads this.)

And then there’s the Putas. With a legacy of punishment, they’re a well rounded threat for any opponent. With the speed and muscle of Lyka Boss and Smitey Mouse, and the hard hitting of pack regulars like Bidi Bidi Boom Boom and Putahontas, they know how to (and frequently do) bring the pain to the banked track. (In fact, I’m pretty sure that when they’re not practicing they’re out giving indian-burns and pink-bellies to football players. My point is, these girls are mean.) This will, however, be their first outing without the solid foundation of Sabataj. Will her presence be missed? You bet. Will the Putas game suffer because of it? That’s yet to be seen.

Which of these teams will come out on top? Either one of them can give their opponents a bad day on the track. If I go with my gut, it’s the Cherry Bombs. But I wouldn’t put money on it. The Putas are more than capable of not only bringing the can of whoop-ass, but shotgunning it, crushing it on their forehead, and throwing it right in your face. Guess we’ll all just have to take a trip to the Thunderdome this Saturday to see how it all falls out!

That’s all for now from the W.C.. Thanks for reading, and a special thanks to Jeffrey McMillan for letting me hack up his photos.

Don’t forget to like and follow and send cake.

Kitties on the Range

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A post-bout analysis for the Rhinestone Cowgirls vs. the Hellcats

Well, the W.C. got back from vacation and what was the first thing he did? Why he made straight for the Thunderdome to catch up on the most entertaining sport in the world! And this one promised to be a whopper as the Rhinestone Cowgirls took on the Hellcats. The Hellcats are on a hot streak, skating like they made the proverbial deal with the devil for unholy derby powers. They look poised to make a run at an undefeated season, but the next test of their mettle comes in the form of the Rhinestone Cowgirls. The Cowgirls have had a rough season on the range so far and are looking to turn things around. They’ve got the talent, but do they have the moxy to throw cold water on the red-hot (or should I say pink-hot) Hellcats? As the lights came up and the skates hit the boards, the next 32 minutes would give us the answer.

The hits came hard and early in this bout with the Hellcats Hannthrax taking solid licks from the Rhinestone’s Ablazin Grace in the first jam, but she still managed to kick things off with three points for her team. The Cowgirls would face setbacks early as a penalty would put them at negative numbers until jammer Bad Apple got them on the board with three points. Hellcat Knottie Knoxville wasted no time in her comeback bout to dish out the punishment on Cowgirl Mad Maxican, shutting her down and allowing her teammate Glitterotica to bring home three more points. The Hellcats would continue with a strong start from their jammers Break-n-Bake, as well as Jammit Janet, who would force Ablazin to call off a jam with Jammit hot on her heels. But the Cowgirls are not without their own weapons and Sassy Squasher jumped around the pack (In what I’m pretty sure was a violation of the laws of physics. But of course the refs didn’t call it. Come on refs! The laws of thermodynamics are there for a reason!) and roped up four more points for her team. The score would be close at the end of the first quarter with the Cowgirls behind at 23-10.

The second quarter kept the hits coming with Hellcat Heathen breaking up the Cowgirls pack to allow teammate Mo-Lest-her to earn four points on a jam. But Knotty Knoxville and Glitterotica wouldn’t let Heathen have all the fun and they did the same for Break-n-Bake on her next jam. Jammit Janet would also continue to plow around the track like she’s in a time warp (Did you see what I did there?) and stole the jam from Sassy Squasher when she was looking the other way. Knottie and Glitter would continue to team up like the wonder-twins of hard licks (Form of: a middle finger! Form of: a hand to hold up the middle finger!) and put some punishment to Cowgirl Bad Apple. But Apple was in no mood to be bullied and she payed the Hellcats back to the tune of five points, taking advantage of Jammit being in the penalty box. The Cowgirls would fight hard, but at the half the Hellcats were still up 40-14.

Starting the third quarter, Hellcat Captian Roxy Revolver would continue to block well, opening holes for an aggressive Break-n-Bake. The Cowgirls would also continue with a strong showing from Domme Draper and Bikini Killer who blocked fiercely, helping teammate Cold Warr take four points back behind the iron curtain. Apple would continue to earn points by capitalizing on Hellcats penalties, but whenever something would go the Cowgirls way, something else would seem to go against them as evidenced by Mad Maxican earning three clear points on a jam where she was well ahead of Break-n-Bake, yet the officiating team awarded Baker with three points of her own as well. A travesty of officiating? Only history will be able to judge. (Also, no one tell head ref Hatchet Ma that I said that. I’m in no hurry to find out if her name is hyperbole or not.) The Hellcats weren’t finished with their point runs yet, though and Jammit Janet fought hard for final single point at the end of the third to put her team up 58-22. Janet would crawl her way back to the bench, clearly grateful for the between quarter break.

The final quarter would kick off with Sassy Squasher sneaking out a point in a jam against Hellcat Hannthrax, followed by Ablazin Grace skeaking one past Break-n-Bake. The Cowgirls would continue to nickel and dime the Hellcats with Apple earning two more in a jam against Hannthrax. But Hannthrax wouldn’t take this lying down and the next chance she got she claimed an impressive eight points for herself. The Hellcats would continue to dominate the Cowgirls for the remainder of the bout, even feeling comfortable enough to attempt a jammer switch on the last jam of the bout. Break-n-Bake started as the jammer but by the end of turn one she had passed her panty to Heathen who would go on to earn six points on the jam. As things came together for the Hellcats on the final jam, Cowgirl Cold Warr decided she was going to get one last shot at the action and tackled Mo-Lest-her to cap off the bout. And so the bout would close with the Hellcats soundly trouncing the Rhinestone Cowgirls with a score of 90-27.

It was a tale of two teams at the Thunderdome this Saturday. The Hellcats have crafted a solid jamming core for themselves with the likes of Hannthrax, Jammit Janet and Break-n-Bake leaving their oponents in the dust like so much kitty litter. Under the leadership of Roxxi Revolver and Glitterotica and the impressive blocking schemes of Heathen and Soviet Crusha, they have solidified themselves as the complete package this season, and made an impressive turn around from last seasons disappointing run. The Rhinestone Cowgirls continue to have solid players, but are somehow not able to bring their talent into a cohesive unit this season. Their blockers, like Domme Draper an Bikini Killer, are strong. Their captains are experienced with Cold Warr and Dusty Doublewide showing all the passion and profanity you would expect. And with the likes of Bad Apple and Mad Maxican as jammers they are nimble and fast. The only thing that seems to not yet have fallen into place is the cohesion that would take them from a group of talented individuals to a team of frightening femme fetales. There’s still a lot of derby to go this season, and I for one can’t wait to see how it all shakes out!

That’s all this time from the W.C. Thanks for reading. If it wasn’t for you, this would be just another dark cul-de-sac on the information super highway.

Special thanks to TXRD announcer Kramer for helping me keep my facts straight, and to Jeffrey McMillan for letting me butcher his beautiful pictures.

 

Cherry Poppin’ Baddies

 

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A post-bout analysis for the Cherry Bombs vs. the Holy Rollers.

The bad girls from the street corner faced off against the bad girls form the schoolyard as the Cherry Bombs took on the Holy Rollers at the not-so-neutral ground of the Thunderdome this Saturday. With league standings on the line, this would be more than just a schoolyard scuffle. Each team had earned themselves a victory and a loss this season, which meant that only one of them would emerge from this bout with a winning record. The Bombs came to the brawl touting a not-so-secret weapon: Rocky Casbah. That’s right, the hottest point scorer since that kid from The Wizard was on hand in her first bout since coming back from retirement. (You know, I hear shareef don’t like it.) But the Rollers fear no skater and laugh in the face of danger. (Although I’m not sure why they would do that. Hermione Danger is their teammate. It seems insensitive to laugh at your friends face.) Who would win this turf war with more than just bragging rites on the line? As the lights went down and the excitement cranked up, only the skates would decide.

Cherry Bomb Bendy Davis would kick things off in the bout by earning four points despite taking a hard rail to the back. The Bombs would look strong early with Rolla Parks and Lois Slay’n putting up a strong defense. Soon after, Rocky Casbah would get her shot at the action and take a shot from Atilla the Nun, who gave her a Holy-Roller-Howdy in the form of an elbow to the face. (Welcome back Rocky.) The crowd would collectively gasp as Holy Roller Prissy Galore took a hard hit and went tumbling out of the track, but she bounced back in like her bones are made of flubber, coming out of it with nary a scratch on her. The action would stutter early in the game with penalties interjecting themselves like your little brother at a slumber party (No Dustin, you can’t watch Ten Things I Hate About You with us. Mom rented The Pacifier for you, and stop trying to smell Kendra’s hair!). Cherry Bomb Bully Jean would put up a strong defense that would allow Rolla Parks to rack up points early, and Ninja Please would weave around blockers like a professional block-weaving-person (Look, they can’t all be gold. I’ve got a lot of ground to cover here.) Bible ThumpHer would continue to earn points for the Holy Rollers, but with most of the first quarter already gone, she was the only Roller yet to do so. The first quarter would cap off with a hard fought victory for Cherry Bomb Zara Problem as she bested Nicola Virus at an arm wrestling penalty that lasted longer than Vanna Fook’s latest hair color. The Cherry Bombs would wrap up the first quarter with a respectable lead of 31-6.

The second quarter would start off with a fresh smattering of penalties just to keep the officiating team from getting bored. (Complete non sequitur: How is it that Mardi Brawl can keep her hair so quaffed under that helmet? I mean, that kind of hold would put a 1990’s Luke Perry to shame.) Not far after the start of the second, Holy Roller Hermione Danger would take a bad fall and injure her leg (requiring the attentions of staff medic Dr. Evil) but, thankfully, she would leave the track under her own power. Stepping up to fill the shoes of her faller teammate, Dyers Eve would false start, but still manage to bring home five points for the Rollers (the most they had scored in one jam to that point). The Rollers would continue to put the pressure on with a hotly contested jam between Cherry Bomb Ninja Please and Roller Prissy Galore that would have Prissy just edging out Ninja to call off the jam. At this point it was a battle of the defenses with Elle B. Bach and Nicola Virus blocking well for the Rollers, and Bully Jean and Rolla Parks doing the same for the Bombs. ThumpHer would continue to be the only Roller consistently getting points on the board, nickel and diming them one at a time. But as the half drew to a close, the Bombs would still be ahead 43-16.

ThumpHer’s scoring passes would continue to yield results in the third quarter, but the Rollers would continue to be plagued by penalties. Hermione Danger would triumphantly return to the game in the third quarter, skating well against Rocky Casbah, who would barely call off the jam to keep Danger from stealing it. On the opposite end of the track, Zara Problem and Nicola Virus would get into a tussle that looked to be of a less than playful nature as tension on the track would mounted for the Rollers. Cherry Bomb Milla Juke-a-bitch would zip through the pack for a scoring run while Train Wreck Trina* sat on ThumpHer, effectively shutting her down for the jam. Soon after, Scrappy would find herself in a good position to bring home another fist full of points for the Bombs until Hermione Danger decided it was time for a little dark magic and tackled her to put a stop to her scoring run. (Hermione would also receive an elbow to the boob for her efforts. Worth it.) Despite her opponents suddenly playing by Australian rules**, Scrappy would continue to eat up points for the Bombs. Prissy Galore would earn four points against Train Wreck Trina on a jam that had Train Wreck taking a fair amount of punishment. But it’s hard to stop a Train, and that plucky powerhouse of a pixie would bring home five points on the next jam. By the end of the third quarter, the Bombs had stretched their lead to 74-26.

The train would continue to chug along in the fourth quarter, until someone put a penny on the tracks and Train Wreck derailed out of the track. Thankfully, though, it was another near miss for the night and Trina was back on the track faster than you could say Union Pacific. Elle B. Back would put on her best reverse block to shut down Scrappy on a well set up jam, only to be the recipient of a punishing reverse block of her own from Milla Juke-a-bitch. And while this would earn Milla a penalty for skating in the wrong direction, it was also a penalty for Elle, one that would bring her total up to three majors and earn her a one way trip down the walk of shame as she was ejected. ThumpHer would continue to be the Rollers most productive jammer of the evening, jumping through the pack like a jack rabbit and earning five more points on a late jam. But Rocky Casbah would not be outdone on her comeback night and fought back for five points of her own on the same jam. The pressure would continue to mount for the Rollers and Dyers Eve would let the pressure get the best of her when she cut the track to tackle Rolla Parks who had a commanding lead in the jam. The bad news would compound, however, as this was Dyers third major and she joined Elle in the ejected players club. And, to keep things from getting too stale late in the game, Ghettostar Balactica would take down Rocky Casbah like a luchador in a grudge match. The bout would come to an end with the Holy Rollers looking a little worse for wear and the Cherry Bombs victorious at 98-37.

The hits came hard and often in this bout, but the difference in score belies what was actually a well played game. The Holy Rollers came to the bout looking comfortable and prepared. Their blocking was organized and their jammers were hitting holes hard with ThumpHer taking her usual advantage on the high end of the track and Dyers Eve putting up another strong outing as a jammer. And their blockers were far from ineffective with Elle and Nicola controlling the pack and Ghetto and Atilla providing the hard hits to disrupt their opponents play. But the Cherry Bombs came to play and everything the Rollers did, the Bombs did just a little better. Their core blockers, Bully, Zara and Lois, not only hit hard but set up solid walls and impressive waterfalls that they were able to extend beautifully when it looked like a Roller would might escape the pack. Their jammers were as nimble as ever with Scrappy and Bendy weaving through the pack. But their biggest threat is their versatility. They’ve got great jammers in Ninja, Rolla, and newcomer Bambi Blows, but each of those skaters are also legitimate blocking threats who consistently shut down their opponents momentum and clear paths for their own players. Under the guiding arm of Train Wreck, the Bombs have found their stride this season. The Holy Rollers were not unprepared however, nor were they outclassed, they were just outplayed (and not by much). But they should have no shame in their performance for this bout, they made the Bombs earn every inch.

A special thanks to TXRD Announcer Kramer for helping me keep my facts straight.

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Come back next time for more from the W.C.!

*Accidently misspelled Train Wreck’s name the first time and created a new derby name: Trann-Wreck. (Dibs!)

**I have no idea what the actual Australian rules of any sport are, but I assume they largely involve adding the phrase, “Punching is encouraged.” to the top of the rule book.

Holy Explosion, Batman

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A pre-bout analysis for the Cherry Bombs vs. the Holy Rollers. 

The final bell has rung and the classrooms are empty as two gangs come together at the flagpole, brandishing switchblades and cracking knuckles as the Cherry Bombs and Holy Rollers prepare to face off in an epic brawl to see who’s the number one delinquent at the school of hard knocks that is the Thunderdome. They each have a 1-1 record, so which team will emerge victorious, and which team will have to run home to Mama with cheeks smeared with tears and cheap mascara? Lets take a look at who’s the baddest of the bad.

The Holy Rollers are coming off a win that they have to feel pretty good about, where they pretty soundly thumped the Putas del Fuego. Their biggest strength is their core of jammers: Prissy Galore, Hermione Danger, Bible ThumpHer and Dyers Eve. These bad girls from the chapel balcony zip around the track like Sonic the Hedgehog after two pots of coffee. And when they decide that skating isn’t good enough for them, Prissy and ThumpHer will just start running like they’re not wearing wheels. Backing up these speedy starlets is the solid blocking core of Ghettostar Balactica and Elle B. Bach. These two can shut down all resistance like evil robots from the future.

And then there are the Cherry Bombs who, like their namesake, are explosive and dangerous. They already have speedster threats like Milla Juke-a-bitch and Bendy Davis. Not to mention Train Wreck Trina who flies around the track like there’s no tomorrow. (Which it turns out is sadly true since she recently announced her retirement. Which is fine. I wish her happiness. It’s not like she ripped out my heart and stomped on it like some kind of horrible locomotive collision! No, I’m not crying. Just leave me alone, Dad. You don’t understand!) But this will be the first bout for the newly un-retired Rocky Casbah who doesn’t have to dress like Jesus to make people fall to their knees and beg for mercy. Add to that their recent acquisition of Bambi Blow in the mid-season draft and they could have the most dangerous group of point scorers this side of Death Race 2000.

So the brass knuckles have been pulled out of purses, switchblades have been pulled out of socks, and blackjacks have been pulled out of cleavage. The gangs are staring each other down and this ain’t about to be no dance-off. If you asked me two weeks ago who I would pick, I would have felt good about the Holy Rollers. But the return of Rocky Casbah means all bets are off. It’s been a long time since she’s tread the blood-soaked boards of the Thunderdome, so I stop short of calling her a ringer. But she’s got the skills to tip the scales on any given bout day. The Holy Rollers have got what it takes to win, so that makes it their bout to lose.

Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you at the Thunderdome to find out how it all shakes out!

That’s all ’till next time from the W.C.!

Something Old, Something New

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The TXRD 2016 Mid-Season Draft!

We’ve reached the half way point of the TXRD season and you know what that means: The Mid-Season Draft is upon us! The teams have spent the first half of the season circling each other like Rocky and Apollo. Some of them look like a Rocky IV Rocky (they got hit a few times, but mostly still look fine (except for that lip thing, I mean, come on Sly, just close your mouth!)). Some of the teams look more like Rocky I Rocky (they have that “you should really put some ice on that” face). But the bell has rung and their back in their corners (I guess it’s like a five sided ring? Look, don’t get distracted by metaphor details. Focus.). How did the teams make out in the draft? The W.C. takes a look at what they got!

First up in the picks were the Hellcats who got things started by welcoming back veteran Knotty Knoxville. A spitfire and a powerhouse, she’s another brick in a solid foundation for the Kitties this season. Their next pick came as a complete surprise to absolutely no one when they snatched up Break n Bake. I once called her the hottest draft pick this side of Rocky Casbah and I don’t think anyone would argue the point with me. She’s fast, tenacious and has a never-say-die attitude that the Hellcats went after like catnip. You thought the Hellcats looked good early this season? I can guarantee you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

Next up, the Rhinestone Cowgirls got their hands on Shania Pain, a strong skater with and a strong arm, she has that Cowgirl toughness that they love so well. They also took Domme Draper who’s dominating (did you see what I did there?) the pack as a blocker. The Cowgirls have been a bit dusted-up this season and they’re clearly looking to establish a solid core to allow their jamming talent (and they’ve got it, baby) to shine.

After that, the Holy Rollers got their turn and first up for them was Nicola Virus. Another solid blocker from the Hired Gun pool, Nicola lends strength to an already strong Roller pack. The same can be said for their next pick: Vanna Fook who skates hard and doesn’t vanna quit (did you see what I–I’ll stop). The Rollers come out of this draft sitting pretty and it’s a pretty seat to be in for the second half of this season.

The Cherry Bombs got their turn next and brought the house down when they announced the return of veteran Rocky Casbah. Rocky Casbah, you guys! I once saw her flip (straight up flip) over an opposing player. (To be fair she hit her head and later passed out.) I’ve admitted before to being a bit of a Rocky fanboy*, but you never forget your first derby crush (sorry Dusty). After that, the closed out their round by adding Bambi Blow to the team who not only has a conveniently appropriate name, but zips around the track with the grace and speed of a gazelle. The Bombs will be the team to watch going into the second half of this season.

Last, but not least, the Putas del Fuego capped off the night by adding Ramona deFlowers to the crew. A strong jammer with a good head for derby, Ramona will make the already intimidating Putas that much more dangerous. They may have picked last, but the Putas certainly did not get the leftovers from this draft.

Well, it was a night full of expectation and excitement. The teams have bulked up their ranks and are ready for the next round. Congratulations to all the new team members! You know the W.C. can’t wait to see what you do on the track and off (although mostly try to stay on the track, that cement looks painful).

Thanks again for reading. Don’t forget to subscribe, like and taste-test. And leave a comment too, I love it when people talk derby to me!

*Events described may or may not have take place.

Fuego at the Rodeo

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Putas del Fuego vs the Rhinestone Cowgirls

The mood was anxious yet exited as two teams who have yet to put a victory under their belt took to the track this Saturday to fight it out at the Thunderdome. The Rhinestone Cowgirls came to the rodeo wearing their biggest belt buckle and shiniest halter top ready to bear down and ride that bucking bovine of Spanish fury: las Putas del Fuego. Both teams had been surprised by a loss early in the season and they each had something to prove as the lights came down and the skates hit the track. The Putas came in like a bull in a china shop and the Rhinestone’s were the cowgirls who had to rope it if they wanted to save their collection of Lonesome Dove cut-crystal stemware.

The first quarter would start with excitement as las Putas del Fuego’s Lyka Boss would jump the apex at turn one and come away with 2 points, but the Rhinestones were hiding in her shadow and stole 3 points themselves before Boss called off the jam. Despite their tenacity, the Rhinestones would be plagued with early penalties that saw their go-to jammer Sassy Squasher loose an arm wrestling penalty to Lyka Boss (Remember that one time Boss lost arm wrestling? No? That’s because it didn’t happen.) who celebrated by flipping the table at Sassy. The ever impressive Sabataj would come into her final bout ready to fight as she knocked skaters left and right in her jamming runs. The penalties would continue to plague the Rhinestones and keep their score in the single digits. Rhinestone Hired Gun Break n Bake would fight hard to get past the blocking of Bidi Bidi Boom Boom but only bring home one point on the jam. The Putas would seem to hit a stumbling block  late in the first when they get a major and two minor penalties on one jam, and then Rhinestones Cold Warr and Catty Whompass would show some impressive blocking as they held Lyka Boss in check on the next jam. But the CEO wasn’t about to let a hostile takeover stop her and she managed to break free and bring home five more points (just to remind everyone why she’s the Boss). The Rhinestone’s weren’t about to take it lying down, though, and speedster Mad Maxican had to give it three tries but finally get through on the jam for one more point. At the close of the first quarter the Rhinestone’s were showing promise, but the Putas were in the lead with 32-5.

The Rhinestones would come out swinging at the start of the second and Sassy Squasher would edge out Puta Knock Out for one point. But Lyka Boss would soon steal a jam from Mad Maxican, and the Rhinestones would start to get a little banged up with players like Bad Apple taking a hard hit. But Cowgirls are built tough and Gnarly Carly would edge out Sabataj on the next jam for another point. Continuing to fight hard, Rhinestone Break n Bake is able to get around a long defensive wall of Putas, but as soon as she’s free the Putas execute an effective runaway defense and leave Baker cold with no points to show for it. The Putas defense would stay strong with Cora Zone and Putahontas forming a solid blocking core that bounced players off like they were playing Angry Birds. Puta veteran Smitey Mouse would lend her talents to the cause and evade Cold Warr’s blocks to bring in four more points for her team. But it wasn’t all fiestas y flores for las Putas as Lyka Boss would get sent to the penalty box and Buffy Basher would get penned in by Ablazin Grace, allowing Mad Maxican to earn some much needed points for the Rhinestones. Towards the close of the half, the Rhinestones would still be at a substantial point deficit and emotions started to run high when Catty Whompass got tired of seeing the back end of Knock out and tackled her like a cheetah on a gazelle.  No good deed goes unpunished though, and this was Catty’s third major of the night. She was forced to do the walk of shame as she was ejected to close out the second quarter with the Putas still up 44-11.

The third quarter would start with a double penalty for the Putas that had Eduskater down for a major and Putahontas with a minor. The penalty was a chance at payback for Putahontas, but it was not to be as Gnarly Carly dug in and beat her for the second time of the night on a tug of war penalty. The Rhinestones would dig in like an Alabama tick and try to ride it out as Mad Maxican got two hard-earned points by chasing down another Putas runaway defense. Putas Boom Boom and Cora Zone would consistently form solid blocking walls, but that wouldn’t stop Boom from taking a hard hit from Bad Apple who continued to show that the Rhinestones don’t pull their punches. Unfortunately, the Rhinestones would continue to get beat up in the second half when Gnarly Carly takes a fall and gets a face full of kick rail that would have her shaking the cobwebs out while she got the once-over from the medical staff. The Rhinestones would keep swinging, though, and Hired Gun Domme Draper and Cold Warr are able to keep Boss in check and let Break n Bake get out in front, but the Putas still keept them just out of reach of any points. The pressure would start to get to the Rhinestones late in the third as Mad Maxican and Bad Apple suffer major penalties, Sassy Squasher can’t break free from the blocking of Lyka Boss, and Break n Bake and Sabataj get into a tussle on the start line. Even the Rhinestones bench manager and captain Dusty Doublewide showed her frustration in a heated exchange with head ref Wright On where she could be heard (even from the back row of the Thunderdome) explaining to him that she thought he may be fornicating and perpetrating a prank on her person. Mad Maxican would once again show hope for the Rhinestones late in the third as she gets the edge on Smitey Mouse who seemed to loose her footing a bit. Mad was poised for an impressive jam, but was only able to bring home four points when an assist form Bad Apple missed it’s mark and sent Mad stumbling to the track. At the end of the third, the Rhinestones had chipped away at the Putas lead to make it 68-19.

Mad Maxican would start the final quarter skating like she’s one with the speed-force (Yes, the W.C. watches The Flash, and you should too, that show is the tits!) and racks up two points jamming against Sabataj. Then Sassy Squasher is able to get out in front for the Rhinestones but Boss rails her hard and takes control of the jam. Sassy doesn’t give up, though and is able to get four points off the jam to Boss’s three. Ablazin Grace had been showing a fantastic reverse-block all night until Sabataj gave her a hit like she tried to cut in line at all-you-can-eat-buffet night at the Golden Corral. Sabataj would continue to evade the valiant blocking attempts of Rhinestones like Bake n Break to add more points to the Putas commendable lead. Gnarly Carly would emerge late in the bout as a threat for the Rhinestones and force Putas Hired Gun Bambi Blow to call off her jam for fear of being overtaken. Ablazin Grace (not to be outdone by Carly) would zip through the pack like it’s not even there on her next jam. But the pressure would get the better of the Rhinestones again as Sassy Squasher tackled Putas Hired Gun Nicola Virus, Gnarly Carly steals Wright On’s flags after he hands down another major penalty to Ablazin Grace, and Bad Apple and Putahontas duke it out in another scuffle. The bout would close with Mad Maxican showing off her formidable speed and earning the Rhinestones five points, the highest scoring jam they had all night. In the end, though, the mountain of points that the Putas built couldn’t be overcome and the bout finished with the Putas victorious at 91-33.

The vast difference in scores belies what was actually a very well fought game on both sides. The Rhinestone Cowgirls came to play and delivered the hard hits that you would expect from a team being coached by Dusty Doublewide. And they have the stand out players that you would expect from the Rhinestone pedigree: Sassy Squasher, Mad Maxican and Gnarly Carly are all three explosive jammers. Cold Warr and Catty Whompass are solid blockers. But something about their strategy didn’t come together, and it may just be mental. The Putas came into the bout clearly thinking they were going to win. Their game was psychological as well as physical. They asserted themselves on the line and made sure that whatever they were doing, either with blocking schemes or even using a runaway defense, they were doing it as a unit. Even with two of their core blockers (Pea Khante and Juicy Cooter) away with the All-Scars for the Battle on the Bank IX, the Putas come together to fill the gap with Lyka Boss doing double duty jamming and blocking, Boom Boom becoming a presence in the pack and even Knock Out doing some reverse bracing. The Rinestones have passion and the weapons are there to be honed and focused. It’s only a matter of time until they’re back on top form, and with the draft coming up they’re in a position to make that happen sooner rather than later.

On a special note: This was the final bout for Puta Sabataj. That fedora clad fuego has been burning up the track ever since I started attending bouts. Her presence was as huge as her biceps and she cut an intimidating figure in black, red and gold. The W.C. hates to see her go, but wishes her all the best.

Thanks again for reading. Give us a like or a follow or a twerk (is that a thing the kids give these days?). Come back for more form the W.C.!

Vaqueras in the Fire

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A pre-bout look at the Rhinestone Cowgirls vs. las Putas del Fuego.

The war between Stetsons and Sombreros heats up again as two rivals take to the track to try to prove who looks less silly in that big-ass hat they’re wearing: the Rhinestone Cowgirls or the Putas del Fuego. Neither team has secured a victory yet this season, but that streak will end for one of them on Saturday below the shining lights and above the cold hard boards of the Thunderdome. Which team will break the loosing streak? They’ve both got stellar players, but the W.C. has the feeling it’s going to come down to the team that makes the fewest mistakes come bout night.

The Rhinestone Cowgirls are a team that just lost a bar fight at their favorite honkytonk. They’re sitting on the curb, holding a napkin to their nose and wondering how they got licked so thoroughly. Then, from inside the smoke filled bar, they hear somebody else trash talking and that boils up their blood to a special level of oh-hell-no and they head back in to set the record straight. With their fists. In a fight (in case you weren’t getting the subtle overtones). The Cowgirls are not a team of subtle anything and they aren’t a team that stays down. And they’ve got the weapons to prove it: Mad Maxican and Sassy Squasher are definite threats as jammers. Dusty Doublewide, Catty Whompass and Bikini Killer are a solid blocking core. And don’t get me wrong, the rest of the team are no slouches either. They’ve got the talent to make any team that takes to the track against them second guess their better judgement. You see Dusty on that line and you can’t help but think, “Maybe a bowl of Cool Ranch Doritos and some reruns of the O.C. would have been a better use of my time tonight”. But the one thing that was lacking in their fist outing this season was cohesion. They were a team that looked like they just hadn’t come together yet. And putting that up against the clear precision of their opponent was their shortfall. The other unknown is Dusty, who was on injured reserved in the last bout. She’s such a powerhouse unto herself that it can be difficult to plan against her, but also difficult to plan without her. Will she be back or won’t she? That could be the deciding factor for this bout.

On the other side of the track we have the Putas del Fuego, who’ve emerged in the last couple of seasons to be the team to beat. They’ve already suffered a loss this season, but I honestly think they were just caught by surprise by the ruthless precision of the Holy Rollers. Their fiery Latin tempers won’t soon let them forget that embarrassment, and you can be sure they’ll be looking to make amends this next time around. They’re currently captained by their biggest point scoring threat, Lyka Boss and behind her are a menagerie of quad-clad prowess. Smitey Mouse and Rasta Fury and Buffy Basher and Knockout: all bullets in the bandoleer that lays across the Putas’ chest. Plus, there’s Sab-a-Taj who, when she’s not actually doing pushups, is thinking of new and exiting ways to do pushups. (And your guns look great Sab! Please don’t use your biceps to crush my skull like it’s a honeydew melon.) If anything will get in their way on the track, it’ll be that fiery Latin temper. If they loose their cool, it will open the door for a Cowgirls team that is hungry to  jump on any weakness like a halter-top clad spinster at a hoedown. Plus, if they don’t come away with a win, there’s a very real chance that the Puta Nation may just burn down the building.

Who’s going to pull out the win this time? There’s not a clear front runner. On the one side, the Cowgirls are on the ropes, trying to come back from a tough loss and they can be dangerous when cornered. On the other side are the Putas, a team that’s been on a hot streak for a couple of seasons now and who show no signs of slowing down any time soon. If I had to choose, I’d probably go with the Putas. But I wouldn’t put money on it, cause the cowgirls just came back through the bar door, and they look pissed.

The Rhinestone Cowgirls take on las Putas del Fuego at the Palmer Events Center this Saturday. (Click for details!)

I’ll see you at the bout, and come back for more from the W.C.!

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